A Dad Life

Saw this video over to Nickie Goomba's site.
I hate rap but I watched this three times and laughed like a fool every time.

Favorite Things

Julie Andrews never sang this version of "My Favorite Things" on her 69th birthday in 2004. Ms. Andrews had her singing voice destroyed in a routine polyp removal from her vocal cords in 1997. But this parody is still a hoot, and I find that some sections are starting to make a lot of sense...

Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things.

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad, I simply remember my favourite things,

And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favourite things.

When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Caption Contest

Okay gang, throw a caption onto this photo.

I like, "Thanks for holding my cigarette Larry...... Larry?"

Froot Of Da Boom

Shamelessly ripped from the pages of Barking Moonbat Early Warning System.

Domestic Reports

From the blog Curmudgeonly & Skeptical who links to a Washington Post story.

A pair of British newly weds recently had their bed bugged by the groom's best man. A pressure sensative device with remote dial out capabilities was placed under their mattress whilst they were on their honeymoon. Now whenever they go to bed or trip the light fantastic, the device wakes up, records the time, date, duration, pressure intensity and "frenzy index" of their lovemaking, then posts the data to a Twitter account - newlywedsontjob. The "live" updates started on 11 Dec 09. To make sense of it, the time of the activity is measured from "They're on the job!" to when the device signals "They're off the job!"

Here are some of the readings:

They’re off the job! #4 – Action concluded at 19.29GMT. Duration: 15 m.55 s. Frenzy Index: 6 (Snow Patrol). Judge’s Comment: "Cld do better"
11:29 AM Dec 13th from Power Twitter
They’re on the job! #4 - Action commenced at 19.14GMT. Weight: 151KG.
11:14 AM Dec 13th from Power Twitter

They’re off the job! #3 – Action concluded at 15.28GMT. Duration: 15 m.31 s. Frenzy Index: 9 (thrash metal). Judge’s Comment: "KAPOW!"
7:28 AM Dec 13th from Power Twitter
They’re on the job! #3 - Action commenced at 15.13GMT. Weight: 151KG.
7:13 AM Dec 13th from Power Twitter

They’re off the job! #2 – Action concluded at 16.12GMT. Duration: 22 m.05 s. Frenzy Index: 4 (easy listening). Judge’s Comment: "Good work!"
8:12 AM Dec 11th from Power Twitter
They’re on the job! #2 - Action commenced at 15.50GMT. Weight: 151KG.
7:50 AM Dec 11th from Power Twitter

The best man stated that he us doing this because:

he stitched me up something rotten when he was my best man so I reckon this is reasonable payback.

From the article we are led to assume that this couple resides in England. Look at the times (GMT is Greenwich Mean Time) generated by the pressure monitioring device. Either the system clock was not set properly by the perpetrator or someone is working nights.

Tool Dictionary

My brother is a mechanic/machinist and as such, is privy to the secret definitions of tools as they apply to real work situations. He sent me these, enjoy:

Some of these tool definitions are familiar to me, though I have not used them all, yet. They should also have include circle cutters and electric hand drills as devices used to hurt my hands.

· DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your drink across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

· WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shucks?'

· SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

· PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

· BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch- up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

· HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It
transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you
attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future be comes.

· VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

· OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

· TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

· HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

· BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

· TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

· PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

· STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

· PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

· HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

· UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard car tons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

· Son Of A Gun TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a gun' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

A Terrible, Inhuman Sport

I throughly enjoy hunting. Even if it is raining to beat the band and I see no game at all, the time spent outdoors is precious to me.

And while I always agree that hunting is an ethical God given right, I think that I would have to agree with many non-hunters on this issue ... fox hunting must be banned! This is a cruel sport and has no place in any civilized country.

It is barbaric and there is no excuse for it.

Please help ban fox hunting!

THIS MADNESS MUST STOP!!

(scroll down)

Signed: Peter Cottontail

H/T to my SIL

UPDATE:

Mebbe this is where FOX News is going.

Through the scope the fearless FNC correspondent sees Katie Couric at 600 yds. on all fours nibbling on a tofu-covered whole wheat biscotti.

"Ahhhhh dere's dat wascawwy wying wabbit!"

*bang*

End Of The Dinosaurs

H/T to my cop buddy Al.

Weirdos

Why do so many weird people have this compulsion to draw attention to themselves? As a cop I had hundreds of contacts with weirdos; I have been in their homes. I once nearly shot a guy who was walking down the street at 3 am clad in tin foil, hamburger grills wrapped around his legs and carrying an axe. The really crazy ones are the exceptions, luckily. Most are just ... strange.

But their strangeness drives them to announce their presence amongst us. Like encountering an unexpected mirror in a dimly lit room, suddenly we are confronted with an image that we are not quite sure how to interpret. Is this familar? Do I know this person? What the hell?

The UK Telegraph has published a list of the twenty weirdest Craigslist advertisements from people like that; strange folk who have managed to thrust their twisted essence into our existence.

I am passing on just a few of them for your examination and enlightenment:

Woman to sit in my bath tub full of noodles, wearing a bathing suit (Pittsburgh, PA)

"I will pay you $1 to sit in my bathtub full of noodles while you wear a one piece bathing suit. I will not be home, nor will anyone else while you do this. I will leave the key for you, and you will sit at your leisure. DO NOT bring any sauce. I will season the pasta after I return home prior to dinner.

Sorta reminds me of the famous Botticelli painting of "Venus Rising From the Lasagna." And I do not want to know how he seasons his pasta or with what.

No issues here folks, let's keep moving - there's more.

Wanted: Pony (Anchorge, Alaska)

"My kid is having a birthday coming up soon, and there'll be a lot of children around, so I figured I'd better get a pony. If you do have a pony you could sell, please contact me, and then immediately start putting barbecue sauce in it's bedding or add some Lawry's to it's salt lick - I like to marinade it early and long, so that the flavor is at it's peak by the time I take possession." If things work out well, I may contact you for other parties I'll be involved in; they kids can't tell the difference between ponies and burger, and usually they're a lot cheaper.

And you can ride these burgers.

The next one is my personal favorite. I think the missing items have been kept as a trophy.

My teeth (Los Angeles, CA)

"I left my Dentures in your Silverado last night. I gave you my number but did not get yours. Please call me asap. I need my teeth. We met in the parking lot of Margarita Jones. Get back to me asap please. Thank you."

Now THAT was a magical evening 'cause the stars came out when the sun went down.

Craigslist has there own Strangelist (Best of Craigslist) that you can sample.

This gal is more pathetic than strange.

To the Hot Guy at Priest Lake on the 4th of July (Nashville, TN)

I have some interesting news. You are going to be a father, twice. I don't remember your name but I do remember your license plate number. I really hope you see this. You promised me that you would pull out, and clearly you didn't. You had brown hair and brown eyes, and had a very specific tattoo. My parents have kicked me out of the house, and I'm not making enough working at Waffle House. I was hoping that you could help me out. My car's not big enough for the three of us. If you are enough of a man to be responsible for your actions, contact me.

This next guy is just an immature asshole.

I Puked in Your Purse (Lansing, MI)

You were sitting a couple tables across from me. I was checking you out. You noticed. I winked. You rolled your eyes and left your table to talk to some guys at the bar. You left your purse hanging unattended on the back of your chair. I felt rejected, and a little pissed. You looked hungry. On my way out, I filled your purse with a vomit cocktail consisting of 1 part hamburger, 3 parts Miller Lites and 6 parts hot yellow foamy puke. If you had second thoughts after blowing me off, hit me back. I can't wait to hear from you!!!

There is something wrong with this city. Seriously.

Paddle (Pittsburgh, PA - AGAIN!!)

That's right, a paddle. Lightly used. OK, not that lightly used. Not used on that many people, OK? Mostly just my ex's bottom. And a bit on mine. I tried using it on a really freaky girl a few weeks ago, and that was it - the magic was gone. There was nothing there. I thought paddles were exempt from the typical breakup sex toy uselessness, but I was terribly mistaken. This thing is dead to me. However, you can make my loss your gain! Seriously, despite my crippling emotional detachment from this paddle and my tendency to replace intimacy with alcohol, I can tell you this is one heck of a paddle.

I cut this last one off short. This freak even included photos. Quite frankly there are places where I do not need to go.

Dang! People are so messed up! Just the addy for this one - it is just sooo wrong on sooo many levels.

Vince Speaks His Mind

A big H/T to another retired cop, CPDCOPPURR

This is really nuts. Enjoy

The New Engrish

In order to continue getting-by in America (our home land), we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS".

With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.
Now, here goes...

The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and call room-service somewhere in the good old U S A today......

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"
Guest: "Uh.... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

Room Service: "Ow July den?"
Guest: ".....What??"

Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... pryed, boyud, poochd?"
Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"
Guest: "I.... don't think so."

RoomService: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"
Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"
Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We bodder?"
Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"
Guest: "I mean butter... just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"
Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?"
Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... and that's everything."

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy ... rye??"
Guest: "Whatever you say."

RoomService: "Tenjooberrymuds."
Guest: "You're welcome"

Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS' "......and you do, don't you!

A big H/T to Judge Al (retired cop).

A Teachable Moment

Charlie's Pix

Charlie, the Chi-Town cop, sends some love.

First, this scenario could be rather anxiety provoking for animal lovers. A pickup truck driven by an obviously thoughtless person passes you on a busy highway, his neglected dog hanging on for dear life. You imagine you hear terrified howls from the poor animal. Allegedly that is exactly what happened.

Relax, it's a coyote that has passed through the hands of a talented taxidermist and then attached to a tailgate. I think that there should be two of them on either side of the tailgate with blinking directional buttholes. Their tails go up for the emergency blinkers...

Next, I doubt very much that Heath Ledger thought that his high chapperal butt-buddy romance would be the basis for a financial statement but it really is very appropriate.

Saddle up boys. Obama, his sidekick, Joe "Spend Ourseves Out Of Bankruptcy" Biden and the democrats are fixing to do to the American taxpayer what those cowboys were doing to each other under a big, starry Wyoming sky. Stirrups are optional.

Hopefully Obama and Biden will remove their spurs prior to mounting the taxpayer.

Rednecks Everywhere

What's the real difference between Arkansas and, say, Oman?

Just the packing.

The drivers all have the same amount of teeth.

These pictures say it all.

Liberal Children's Library

Here are some of the books now recommended by Nancy Pelosi and the House Select Committee on Creating Future Democrats and the House Health Care Caucaus.

The Only Response Needed To Charges Of Racism

I saw this over to Forger's. Ya gotta watch this.

An Elephant's Faithful 100%

I gained a lot of weight after I stopped smoking.

Once or twice a month I find myself in this situation...

The neighbors raise all kindsa hell at the braying and trumpeting.

A big H/T to Charlie the Cop.

Idle Talk

Thanks to my brother Bob, I now have a new favorite hat.
And only worn once by a previous owner...

I think Putin needs a photo op to help his miserable public relations image here in America.
I propose a low-level fly by in our nation's Capital by a brace of MIG-29's and a Tu-142.

I'm sure our President, Congress-creatures and federal bureaucrats will absolutely love to see these aircraft do a tight pylon turn around the Washington Monument at 600 feet during the lunch hour. No problem here! The Washington Monument is only 555 feet tall.

Trivia: The Washington Monument was the world's tallest structure when completed in 1885 and remained so until the completion of the Eiffel Tower in 1889.

Swine flu. Scientists are hypothesizing how this Mexican flu virus variant dveloped. One theory is that a pig already infected with swine flu ate avian flu-infected bird droppings. Bird droppings are considered a delicacy by swine suffering from a high swine flu-induced fever.

Once inside the pig, the two flu viruses were overcome with viral lust. They ignored the warnings of their families and fell in love with each other. Insane with passion, unholy exchanges of viral RNA occurred within the dark entrails of the pig. They did have to grope for awhile.

The offspring from this union hyphenated their last names (Mexicans, remember?) and were called swine-avian flu variants.

Now, things now get really murky.

Either a chicken ate swine-avian flu infected feces (they're in Mexico, remember? Even pig shit tastes better than week old enchiladas) and then the chicken was eaten by a Mexican who already had a case of the flu...

Or the swine-avian flu infected pig ate a Mexican who was infected with human flu. Once again groping viruses (viri?) seek each other out in dark secret corners of the pig.

The human-swine-avian flu infected pig sneezes or craps or donates blood or is turned into short ribs and then all hell breaks loose when some sneeze breathing, crap eating, blood donor receiving guy eating BBQ ... awwww you know the rest.

Just seal the borders.

At Long Last

For years I have obsessed over a physical condition for which I could not find a solution. I have tried ointments, creams, jellies and emollients. Over the course of several decades I submitted myself to various doctors who examined me; prodding, poking, probing to no avail.

The embarrassing questions and the stares tried my patience. Each time I sought help the verdict was the same; there was nothing that medical science could offer me in the way of relief.

I then tried metaphysical "cures" only to find myself taken advantage of by hucksters and charlatans. After years of searching and thousands of dollars, I finally gave up and resigned myself to my fate.

Until today.

From the Chicago Tribune:

A chemist in Vienna has taken the term "navel gazing" to its logical extreme and guaranteed himself a curious epitaph: Unraveler of the mysteries of belly-button lint.

I would literally swell up with this stuff within a few hours.
And the stink...

Georg Steinhauser discovered that there is a certain type of body hair responsible for directing lint into the navel. The researcher spent three years studying 503 pieces of schmutz from his own belly button, then published his conclusions in the journal Medical Hypotheses under the title, "The nature of navel fluff."

Among other gems, the article notes: "Accordingly, and to the author's personal experience, navel lint seems to be a phenomenon that affects primarily male adults."Steinhauser found that hairs around the belly button have a scaly structure that pulls fibers from clothing and then directs those fibers—along with dead skin, fat, sweat and dust—into the belly button.

Finally an answer. It's called schmutz. The man's a genius.

This is not a joke; I once had a favorite flannel shirt that I could only wear for three hours. I would then pull a cubic yard of schmutz from my navel. My wife used it to knit Christmas doilies for the Salvation Army. During the winter we would burn it to heat the house.

He wrote that scales on the hair act like "barbed hooks," catching a "melange of foreign materials" and coalescing them into easily removed clumps of lint. Thus, Steinhauser posits, men with abdomen hair likely have "cleaner and more hygienic belly buttons than those who do not"—provided, of course, they go to the trouble of actually removing the lint lumps.

The "Schmutz Horizon" is the area around the navel where lint, dead midgets and slow asteroids are gathered by belly hair (AKA Satan's Schmutz Hounds) to make its way inexorably into the depths of the umbilical remnant scar, also known as the Inney Sanctum.

For those who don't want to deal with the lint altogether, Steinhauser recommends a good belly shaving.

I have already started a regimen of daily abdominal filament removal. I lost sixteen pounds the first day and went down two belt sizes. I wept.

Non-Lethal Force Technology

A H/T to Sub Vet:

SALT LAKE CITY - It took a wedgie and a headlock to pin down a man suspected of breaking into a car in Salt Lake City, Utah.

Yvonne Morris, a technician at the Brickyard Animal Hospital, says she chased a man who broke into a co-worker's car, but he kept squirming away from her. Morris eventually grabbed the man's boxer shorts and pulled.

Salt Lake City police say she then she put a headlock on the man until help could arrive.

Ms. Morris gave the defendant a "tactical wedgie".
It works in this fashion: the constriction of the defendant's testicular airspace through a swiftly diminishing fabric construct reduced his flight profile. Ergo, his inability to conduct rapid femural transfer processes failed to deliver the desired locomotive product. Stymied by his apparent lack of mobility, the defendant's decision making matrix collapsed, rendering him compliant to Ms. Morris' forcible custody initiative.

The development of non-lethal force technology continues apace. The US Army is working on a mobile 23,000 wedgie delivery system. It will reduce two entire infantry divisions into a squirming, wriggling uncomfortable mass of demoralized humanity.