Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Non-Lethal Force Technology

A H/T to Sub Vet:

SALT LAKE CITY - It took a wedgie and a headlock to pin down a man suspected of breaking into a car in Salt Lake City, Utah.

Yvonne Morris, a technician at the Brickyard Animal Hospital, says she chased a man who broke into a co-worker's car, but he kept squirming away from her. Morris eventually grabbed the man's boxer shorts and pulled.

Salt Lake City police say she then she put a headlock on the man until help could arrive.

Ms. Morris gave the defendant a "tactical wedgie".
It works in this fashion: the constriction of the defendant's testicular airspace through a swiftly diminishing fabric construct reduced his flight profile. Ergo, his inability to conduct rapid femural transfer processes failed to deliver the desired locomotive product. Stymied by his apparent lack of mobility, the defendant's decision making matrix collapsed, rendering him compliant to Ms. Morris' forcible custody initiative.

The development of non-lethal force technology continues apace. The US Army is working on a mobile 23,000 wedgie delivery system. It will reduce two entire infantry divisions into a squirming, wriggling uncomfortable mass of demoralized humanity.

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