Sunday, December 17, 2006

When Not To Yell...

First this joke:

I bought a new Lexus 350 and returned to the dealer the next day because I couldn't get the radio to work. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

"Nelson," the salesman said to the radio. The Radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?" "Willie!" he continued and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.

Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant "Georgia On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson. I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, "Beatles," I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, "A** H***s!"

Immediately the French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on scotch.

I LOVE this car!

I shamelessly stole the above joke from Wayne at Babylonandon for two reasons; one, it's funny, and two, something like this happened to me a few weeks ago.

I had just left the office and was driving over to the Crime Lab. I was on the cellphone calling the lab's receptionist to let them know we were bringing some evidence in and was making a right turn. Some idiot a half block away doing about 45 in a 30 mph zone got all freaked out and started beeping her horn and came up behind me all pissed off. She then passed me.

I waited until she was right alongside and used my riot control voice (I can be very loud) to yell, "The speed limit is 30, A** H***!"

I forgot I had the Crime Lab on the phone.

I forgot the cellphone was right next to my mouth.

I will never forget the receptionist saying, "I BEG your pardon?!?!"

I said "Oh no!" and then started laughing like an idiot. I tried to explain what had happened but was laughing too hard to get it out. The Lab is only a quarter mile form the office so I quieted down a bit by time I got there. I pressed the annunciator for admittance to the parking area. Of course the receptionist is also the person who raises the gate, so I got a good natured earful right from the get go. Then she has to buzz me in through the front door. Then I have to sign in at her station. Thank the good Lord above that she thought it was funny also.

I have an investigation I am working on so of course I have to be at the Lab almost everyday for awhile after that. She gnawed on me (in a good natured way) for about a week and then spat me out when there was nothing left but some grizzle and a few buttons. After suffering through that, I wish the radio had played "Marseillaise" as sung by the French Military Victory Choir of One.

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