Wednesday, March 07, 2007

I Want One

What I really want is a ray gun that will make you crap your pants. But until the "Brown Ray Laser Blaster" is invented, this one will do:

The new technology has been given an acronym, EPIC, for Electromagnetic Personnel Interdiction Control. The idea is that intense radio-frequency emissions – capable of passing through walls – would be used to temporarily disrupt the balance and coordination functions of targets' inner ears, knocking them down relatively harmlessly.The Navy notes that "second order effects would be extreme motion sickness," suggesting that in fact the order given by future Captain Kirks may be "set phasers on 'puke'".

The intention of the programme is to avoid unnecessary harm to the target, but unconscious vomiting would seem to present something of a choking hazard. Still, EPIC-based regurge blasters would seem less brutal than the microwave-oven cannons already tested, which are designed to disperse crowds by lightly frying their outer skin layers.

That's "lightly but deliciously frying." So it's either salted people chips or the GutWrench 3000. I'll wait for the technology to make them poop and puke at the same time. Call it the Spewer XLS.

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