Monday, June 22, 2009

Yeah, Right

Some screwy 18 year old Belgian chick claims that she went to a tattoo parlor and fell asleep while some freak is ripping her face apart with an electronic needle plunger injector thingie.

Sorta like Sigourne Weaver falling asleep while that creepy alien marauder insect is chasing her around the airlock trying to ram his nasty wet asparagus down her throat.


In any event, said unsuspecting 18 year old walks into a tattoo parlor and asks this insane painted turnip to give her a tattoo.Rule Number 1 - Never let anyone who looks like this near your face while he is carrying sharp instruments. He looks like he he was spawned when his mother was raped by either a WWI German gas mask or a 1956 Buick Special.

The freak's name is Rouslan Tourmaniantz and if hangs his head outside the window of any vehicle going faster than 30 KPH his face breaks out in a windy rendition of "We Are The Champions." His glasses are permanently welded to the studs in his ears.

So now Freddie Krueger welcomes Miss Kimberley Vlaminck into his tattoo parlor and she explains to the Ink and Stainless Steel Fairy that she only wants three, 1..2..3, stars by her left eye. Of course he agrees to do whatever she wants. She then delivers herself into the capable hands and ravenous needles of the man who created the very popular social website, IFuckedUpMyFace.

Really, take another good like at this bloke. She's lucky he didn't use half inch rebar to pierce her through the cheeks of her ass.

So. Our princess wakes up from her ink induced slumber (ink pressed from the gonads of the tsetse fly), looks at her face in the reflection off Rouslan's grill work and absolutely freaks. Right? Wrong.

This is my take. She stumbles into said freak's lair after tooting up half the cocaine in Brussels and has him do the Rainbow Sparkly Pony Special on her face. We all love ponies too, dearie.

She goes home, sobers up and looks into the mirror after her mother throws herself under a bus. Tears and accusations at six.

Well, as it turns out, the Sparkly Pony damsel has retracted her story.She now admits that she wanted everyone of those 56 stars tattooed on her face.


Euripides said...

Wow. That's one of the scariest things I've seen in a long time. The woman looks like she used to be pretty. What she is now is, well, not attractive at the least.

Subvet said...

She has a great future in some circus sideshow, the tattoo "artist" can give her pointers and references.

Anonymous said...

One look at the artist (even in a shopping mall) would have sent me screaming and looking for the nearest exit.

sig94 said...

I do kinda wonder what possessed her to have that done to her face.

I still suspect some kind of alcohol/controlled substance involvement because she had to be under the needle for some time.

USA_Admiral said...

Part of the human race is degenerating. I suppose this is a good thing.

"Ink and Stainless Steel Fairy"

I loved this description.