What's In The News - July 8, 2007

ROSWELL, N.M. - If for no other reason than to dress like a fruitcake:

If you truly believe a UFO and its crew of bug-eyed aliens came crashing down here 60 years ago, rest assured: You're not alone. At least 35,000 people have escended on Roswell this weekend for the 2007 Amazing Roswell UFO Festival to commemorate a purported flying saucer crash on a nearby ranch in July 1947. Participants have filled hotel rooms and nearly doubled the southeastern New Mexico town's population

LONDON, ENGLAND - It's the *cough* biggest effort yet *gasp* to Save *choke* The Planet.

"If you want to save the planet, I want you to start jumping up and down!" Thus
Madonna revealed her plan to combat global warming. Clad in a black satin
leotard, she gyrated with dancers and simulated sex with an amplifier and a
guitar.

Don't read anymore of this tripe if you want to Save Your Lunch. In an emergency meeting, the Society For The Prevention of Cruelty To Fenders has sent Madonna a "cease and desist" order for violating the International Washed Up/Wore Out/Rock Whore Sex With Electronic Devices Act of 1987.

John Buckley of Carbon Footprint, an organization that helps companies reduce their carbon dioxide emissions, said Saturday that Live Earth will produce about 74,500 tons of the gas."We would have to plant 100,000 trees to offset the effect of Live Earth," he said, speaking by telephone.

I'll tell you where you can plant 'em too. And you'd better do it by hand using gardening implements made from flint.

San Rafael, CA. - Goat lovers from all over the world are converging on San Rafael, sorta like the UFO fruitloops flocking to Roswell.

More than 240 goats were killed Friday morning when a big-rig carrying them tipped over in San Rafael's Canal area. Many of the animals, en route to clear vegetation in Mill Valley, suffocated when the rig overturned near Irene Street on "The Loop" traffic route, police said.

The flags of a dozen Islamic nations have been lowered to half mast in mourning for these potential brides. San Rafeal is about twenty klicks north of San Francisco.

The horrific scene took its toll on Marin Humane Society officials. Humane Society Sgt. Michelle Rogers, among the crew digging through wreckage, said 243 dead goats were pulled out of the tipped truck.

"I need a moment," she said, stepping away to compose herself.

Oh the capranity!