Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Admiral Nevershit

U.S. Navy Commander and NASA space shuttle driver "Wild Bill" Oefelein has what it takes to drive women wild. Wild enough to have married (to another man) mother of three, Navy Captain Lisa M. Nowak go non stop from Houston, Texas to Orlando, Florida, to confront her rival for Wild Bill's affections at the Orlando airport. In true astronaut tradition, she wore diapers.

Mrs. Nowak apparently had quite a crush on Mr. Wild Bill. She armed herself with a pellet gun, pepper spray, a knife, a steel mallet and several feet of rubber tubing to confront her rival, an Air Force captain who also works for NASA. According to the Houston Chronicle:

Nowak, 43, remains in Orange County Jail without bail on a variety of charges arising from a confrontation with Colleen Shipman, an Air Force captain whom she allegedly assaulted in the parking garage during what police characterized as an attempted kidnapping.

[...] The purpose of the pistol was "to entice Shipman to talk with her," police were told. When they asked her how squirting Shipman with pepper spray was going to aid the conversation, Nowak replied, "That was stupid."

A Kuhlua and Cream would have worked better. She drives 900 miles without a break, and hopefully without a leak, dons a disguise and follows this younger woman to her car. There she

pounded on her window and tried to open the door. She then asked Shipman for help.

"My boyfriend was supposed to pick me up and he is not here," Shipman said she was told. "I've been traveling, and it's late. Can you give me a ride to the parking office?"

Shipman said she declined. The woman then asked to borrow her cell phone. Shipman told her the battery was dead. When the woman began to cry and said she could not hear what Shipman was saying, Shipman lowered the window a few inches. At that point, Shipman was pepper-sprayed, she said.

Eyes burning, Shipman managed to drive away and alert a toll booth attendant who called police. They found Nowak near a parking shuttle bus stop and watched her drop items into a trash can, the affidavit stated. She was arrested after Shipman returned to identify her.

Nowak acts like she had an interruption in her O2 line during lift off. What exactly did she do on a shuttle? Her NASA bio states:

"Nowak was responsible for operating the remote arm during scheduled EVAs. "

Great. She has both a Bachelors and Master's degree in Engineering and operates a giant phallic symbol with a guy attached to the end of it. Like a sticky marshmallow pinanta on a club.

She drove nine hundred miles to spray this chick with Dog-Be-Gone. Nine hundred miles! That long a distance even going 80 mph is gonna eat up some time. Like at least twelve hours. Didn't even a little clue creep in during this time? Or was she listening non stop to Bonnie Tyler?

Every now and then all my brains turn to shit and my eyes start to glaze
Every now and then I gotta drive a thousand miles in a brown funky haze
Every now and then I get a great old diaper and a big pellet gun
Every now and then I get a folding pocket knife and start looking for fun
Turnaround whack job,
Turn the freakin' car around!
Turnaround whack job,
I can't tell my ass from a hole in the ground!

And I need a clue tonight
And I a clue more than ever
But I' must be wound too tight
I'll probably die in this forsaken slammer
There's no way I'll ever be contrite!
I shoulda turned around in Alabama!
I'll entice her with my pepper spray!
If I scream at her she will obey!
I 'm screaming like a moonbat and I'm always in the dark!
I'm pounding on her window and I'm giving off farts!
I really need a clue tonight
My ass'll be in jail tonight
My ass'll be in jail tonight

Once upon a time I was flying through space
But now I shit alone in the dark.
There's nothing I can do
But sit here and count my stretch marks.

Once upon a time orange spacesuits were my style
Now I wear orange jumpsuits in the pen.
There's nothing I can do
I really screwed up again.

As upset as I have gotten, I generally come to my senses after a bit. I think that would be especially so after you've just almost a thousand miles. Must be her training.

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