Thursday, March 16, 2006

The Official Bin Laden Fan Club

With the recent declassification of captured AL QAEDA documents, it’s finally out in the open. The official Osama Bin Laden Fan Club.

It even has rules:

Requirements of joining AL QAEDA:
1. Abiding by AL QAEDA rules, its beliefs and objectives as previously mentioned.

2. Obedience to the leaders in charge as much as possible, without disobeying Islamic rules.

3. No connection between AL QAEDA membership and any other Islamic group.

4. Maintain secrecy in work-related issues.

5. Physically healthy (except in administrative work).

6. The candidate should not be in question when it comes to religion, integrity or his morality.

7. Reciting the pledge of AL-QAEDA.

Whoa! What 's that last one??

"I pledge allegiance to the One
Who has strapped me to my splodey belt.
And to the Caliphate,
Whatever that is,
One detonator,
Twenty kilos of #12 common nails,
Five kilos of Semtex,
And my guts spattered all over the Mall."

There's more:

AL-QAEDA's Regulations and Instructions:
First: Duties
1. Preserving the unity of AL QAEDA is an important and legitimate goal, which occurs by fearing God in private as well as in public. (Surat 65, 5). This is fulfilled through humbleness and flexibility towards the brothers and the rest of the Muslims, good manners, rejection of disputes, and mutual agreement and settlement of differences.
We are ALL inpressed by the good manners of Muslims. Especially the French, Danes and Dutch; and Theo van Gogh's relatives are all atwitter at your last visit. They can't wait for you to hurry back. Bring some figs with you.

2. Preserving Islamic morals and avoiding means of corruption and bad companions, through verification and confirmation of news. To observe good conduct and filial piety even if they were infidels.
That's why they watch CNN.

3. Adherence to eating Islamic Halal food.
Because whatever you had for lunch is how they're going to ID your remains.

4. Maintaining physical fitness and military exercises as much as possible.
A tight bod helps keeps the spatter down and gives the nails a good grouping.

5. Do not talk about work assigned by AL-QAEDA with others, even if they are AL-QAEDA members. The only person you can discuss work with is your direct commander (Amir), unless you are asked to do otherwise or if your work demands participation of others, and then through guidance of the leadership.
They may find out they're on a flight to DC.

6. The call to adhere to Islam in general, and spreading the concept of Jihad specifically, starts with relatives and friends. You may not be able to do this, if your work demands extreme secrecy, like Naeem IBn Mas'uud (May God bless him).
Yes, do tell all your relatives. American Special Forces need good people on the "range".

7. Safeguard AL-QAEDA's general funds and do not mishandle these funds. (Albukhairi)
Achmed's been dipping into the falafel jar again. Or dipping into his cousin.

8. Sincerity in providing advice to commanders and to your brethren in AL-QAEDA, without harboring deception.

The bennies just keep rolling in...

1. The married have a vacation by rotation for a week every three weeks, and in certain cases AL-QAEDA may deny this vacation for four months.

2. A bachelor can have a vacation by rotation for five days every month. ALQAEDA may deny his request for vacation in certain cases.

3. Request for vacation travel should be submitted two and a half months before the travel date. The request would only be considered if it had been submitted in a timely manner as indicated, except in special cases.

Is there a civil service test for this? How about requesting a transfer? Promotional exams?

Enjoy. There's tons more here. Maybe next we'll get to see their bi-annual personnel evaluation reports.

Look for more on this at The Dread Pundit Bluto.

Update: 3/18/06
These documents were moved to a new url here


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Waste damn fucked up Us marines and may all jews suck Hitlers dick..............stupid infidels cunt licking whores

Anonymous said...

y dont you all get a grip and stop bombing ppl for no fucking reason your all fucked up freaks your religeon isnt real do you really beleive tha a man in the clouds is going to dave you you sick paakkki cunts , y dont you go and have a wash because you fukkiing stink , y dont you all just fuck up and stop being so childish before the us comes and bombs your country because your all fucking useless pakki cunting terrorists .xx

jessie furmage said...

die pakki cunts die !!! us is coming for you !!! hahahahahahahah

Elle davis ,, wales ,, myrthyr , nelson said...

i fukknig hate you pakki pricks go die the us is coming for you bombing cunttsss !!

Anonymous said...

These people are very strange. They seem to have no distance to reality.

Anonymous said...

Al-Qaeda is amazing. All of you indenial people will suffer the consequences when osama bin laden lauches the next attack.

Anonymous said...

bonjour je suis annonyme je voudrais vous dire je suis fan de vous je voudrais que vous dETRUISER LES CAMPS ELYSE MERCI D AVANCE APELLE MWA STP JABITE A METZ 06797230..

Anonymous said...

lets gets all the jew haters into a giant cage, and then JIZZ ALL OVER THERE PUSSY FACES! WOOHOO

Anonymous said...

Do you people not realise that this is a page of humour? None of this stuff is real and you are all rather pathetic for believing that it is.
you are all very angry and sad people.

Julian said...

You people are fucking morons. =] This is a complete and utter troll. America is stupid because bush and osama went uni together the "terrorists" are your CIA. You people need to get a grip and stop hating people Jews are great so are muslims so are christians have a laugh have a biscuit and stop taking your bullshit religions so god dam seriously =]


Anonymous said...

Do you people not realise that this is a page of humour? None of the stuff mentioned is actually real and you are rather pathetic for believing so!
in my opnion you all need to grow and look at things from a lighter perspective and realise NOT EVERYONE IS OUT TO GET AMERICA!
Chill out and grow up fools.

Anonymous said...

Wow, the extent of human stupidity never ceases to amaze me. People, this guy is a troll; for god's sake read the pledge that references a "splodey belt"

sig94 said...

Heh! All you pole smoking idjuts just don't get what a few readers do. This is a satire. However, if you follow the link you'll see that there is documentation for the club rules.

And now that Osama sleeps with the fishes, it's a dead end. But please be my guest. Knock yourselves out.