Monday, September 01, 2008

The Right Reverend Herpes

It seems that the Barack Obama campaign has an infection that just won't go away. As a matter of fact, it is suffering another outbreak right now - a recent eruption of Political Herpes reported by Geoff Earle in the New York Post.

TOLEDO, Ohio - The Rev. Jeremiah Wright, Barack Obama's fiery ex-pastor, re-emerged yesterday with a crude reference about race and sex in the White House. "This ordinary boy [Obama] just might be the first president in the history of the United States to have a black woman sleeping at 1600 Pennsylvania legally," Wright said, referring to Michelle Obama, in a sermon at the Wheeler Avenue Baptist Church in Houston.

As in many other infections, Political Herpes breaks out when least convenient and is frequently characterized by annoying verbal sores, weeping media blisters and nonsensical analogies.

It was unclear whether Wright was making a reference to prostitution, to old miscegenation laws, or to the history of illicit interracial sex under slavery.

The more severe outbreaks are also often accompanied by unclear discharges that fly out from the anal cavity causing great distress to the suffering political supplicant. This can also be attended by great swelling discourse that accomplishes nothing.

As Obama's longtime minister, Wright married Barack and Michelle, and the couple worshiped at Wright's Trinity United Church of Christ in Chicago until Wright's controversial sermons became public knowledge during the campaign.

After first becoming infected with Political Herpes, most campaigns develop symptoms within 2 to 12 days, but it can take days, weeks, months, or even years for any symptoms to appear. The disease can lay dormant for long periods of time until exposed to political ambition. At that point the disease, which inhabits the lower regions of the electorate, will seek media outlets which develop the characteristic oozing verbal sores.

Wright gave an over-the-top press conference that ultimately prompted Obama to leave the church this spring, after Wright blamed the United States for concocting the HIV virus and railed against US imperialism.

Once infected, isolation has not been proven effective in preventing further outbreaks.

The first Political Herpes infection usually lasts for 2 to 3 weeks, but polls can be affected for 1 to 6 weeks. The weeping media blisters eventually dry out and crust over although a tingling sensation may persist amoung the most partisan. When the crusts fall off, the area is usually still extremely partisan and very resistant to non-ideological therapy. There is evidence that many media outlets have low levels of the disease present even when they do not display symptoms.

In recent weeks, Obama has worshipped at various churches in towns on his campaign schedule, as he did at a Lutheran church in Lima, Ohio, yesterday. In sermons that caused the initial uproar when they emerged on video, Wright blamed the United States for the 9/11 attacks and boomed, "God damn America."

The disease is remarkably well adapted for travel and in some political environments it is very contagious. The virus is communicated by long term social intercourse with an infected party.

A vigorous regimen of soothing conservative ointments and balms applied to the affected member is effective in relieving the discomfort of Political Herpes.

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