Assault And Buttockery

Mayber there should be a three day waiting period before you can purchase a set of buttocks.

From the Charleston Daily Mail:

A Nitro woman was arrested for allegedly fighting with her boyfriend and keeping him against his will.

Constance Ann Hertel, 48, of Kanawha Avenue, had been arguing with her boyfriend for several hours Friday, and when the man tried to leave she wouldn't let him, according to a criminal complaint filed in Kanawha County Magistrate Court.

According to the complaint, when the man tried to pack his belongings, Hertel came into his bedroom and threw a screwdriver at him, hitting him in the back. She also struck him in the torso with a plastic cup, the complaint said.

Next comes the Criminal Use Of Ass charge.

Nitro Police Patrolman T.A. Fouch said in the report that Hertel then pinned the man against the wall with her buttocks, and as he tried to free himself, she grabbed him around the head and scratched him across the chest.

This technique was originally developed at a secret Army base in Iraq to control disruptive terrorists. Al Qaeda operatives feared and loathed the high pressure and the choking/smothering sensation caused by this technique. They called it "Butt Boarding The Prophet."

Fouch said he observed multiple large fingernail scratches from the top of the man's left shoulder to the center of his chest, the complaint said.

These were caused by the suspect's rim piercings.

Hertel also struck him several times in the facial area with an open hand and threw a television in the middle of the floor, the complaint said.

The complaint said that during an interview with police, Hertel said she also threw the victim's daughter's computer in the river.

She was charged with domestic battery.

There oughta be a law.