Monday, April 23, 2007

Look Before You Wipe

The BBC has a fresh new story on the latest member of the Loon of the Month Club:

Singer Sheryl Crow has said a ban on using too much toilet paper should be introduced to help the environment.

Crow has suggested using "only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where two to three could be required".

Pesky occasions - - like when I eat? She must crap like a rabbit, scampering sideways while little poo pellets fly out of her butt.

"I have spent the better part of this tour trying to come up with easy ways for us all to become a part of the solution to global warming," Crow wrote.

I have spent the better part of a half hour trying to figure out what she is smoking. I can see the Chamber of Commerce signs and bill boards springing up all over America:

"This Is A One Wipe Town."

"Scott's -- Just A Single Sheet Will Do Ya"

"Please Don't Double Up The Charmin"

"I'd Like The World To Wipe It's Ass in Perfect Harmony"

We can have the Claymation raisins come back to sing "I Wiped It On A Grapevine"
"Although my ideas are in the earliest stages of development, they are, in my mind, worth investigating.

Your ideas may be in the earliest stages of development, but they are in the terminal stages of lunacy. Your mind is the place where bad ideas go to wipe themselves before they die. It is a scary, lonely place that smells bad. And the tank probably leaks as well...

Crow has also commented on her website about how she thinks paper napkins "represent the height of wastefulness".

She has designed a clothing line with what she calls a "dining sleeve".

Oh good. Now she can introduce her next clothing line with an "ass sleeve." Really, don't take this broad out to dinner. She'll be wiping herself on the busboys.

No wonder Lance took off. She had strange notions on how to use his bicycle seat.

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