Thursday, April 12, 2007

Are You A Cop?

You know you are a cop if ....

1) You have the bladder capacity of five people (and you can piss the chrome off the front grill of a '56 Buick Special).
2) You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience (both are good).
3) You believe that 50% of people are a waste of good air (97% on a bad day).
4) Your idea of a good time is a "man with a gun" call (or a massive bar fight- especially if it is a college hangout - let the beatings begin!).
5) You conduct a criminal record check on anyone who seems friendly towards you (of course there are "exceptions").
6) You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac and birth control pills.
7) You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see.
8) You have your weekends off planned for a year (you only got a true weekend off seven times a year).
9) You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.
10) You refer to your favorite restaurant by the intersection at which it's located (and you've got nicknames for every joint and hidey hole in town).
11) You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled: "Suicide...getting it right the first time."
12) You ever had to put the phone on hold before you begin laughing uncontrollably (There's Herzogs in the wall! - yes ma'am, put the phone against the wall and I'll tell them to go away).
13) You think caffeine should be available in IV form.
14) You believe anyone who says, "I only had two beers" is going to blow more than a .15
15) You find out a lot about paranoia just by following people around.
16) Anyone has ever said to you, "There are people killing other people out there and you are here messing with me" (and I'd be chasing them too if it weren't for idiots like you behind the wheel).
17) People flag you down on the street and ask you directions to strange places...and you know where it's located (and then you run their plate number and follow them 'cause only an asshole would want to go there at this ungodly hour).
18) You can discuss where you are going to eat with your partner while standing over a dead body (or eat pizza while scraping up someone's brains).
19) You are the only person introduced at social gatherings by profession.
20) You walk into places and people think it's high comedy to grab their buddy and shout, "They've come to get you, Bill."
21) You do not see daylight from November until May (time to scrape the mushrooms off your ass again).
22) People shout, "I didn't do it!" when you walk into a room and think they're being hugely funny and original (yes you did - we got pictures and that little doggie will be out of the vet's in a day or two you stinking perv).
23) A week's worth of laundry consists of 5 T-shirts, 5 pairs of socks, and 5 pairs of underwear (only if you have a quartermaster system).
24) You've ever referred to Tuesday as "my weekend", or "this is my Friday" (or you have no idea what day it is at all).
25) You've ever written off guns and ammunition as a business deduction (still do - life is good!).
26) You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, it sure is quiet tonight" (shut yer piehole - wanna jinx us? - then twenty minutes later you get a call that some woman just got shot in the head - happened to me).
27) Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal to you (nurses do this also).
28) You find humor in other people's stupidity (especially when the ER team is digging a flashlight out of someone's ass and it's turned on when finally extracted - the doc waves it around like he's landing a 747).
29) You have left more meals on the restaurant table than you've eaten (and you "dust off" a few slow moving patrons while scrambling like a madman to get back to the cruiser).
30) You feel good when you hear "these handcuffs are too tight" (*sniff* ahhh memories).

H/T to Al Hammel.

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