Saturday, September 12, 2009


Why do so many weird people have this compulsion to draw attention to themselves? As a cop I had hundreds of contacts with weirdos; I have been in their homes. I once nearly shot a guy who was walking down the street at 3 am clad in tin foil, hamburger grills wrapped around his legs and carrying an axe. The really crazy ones are the exceptions, luckily. Most are just ... strange.

But their strangeness drives them to announce their presence amongst us. Like encountering an unexpected mirror in a dimly lit room, suddenly we are confronted with an image that we are not quite sure how to interpret. Is this familar? Do I know this person? What the hell?

The UK Telegraph has published a list of the twenty weirdest Craigslist advertisements from people like that; strange folk who have managed to thrust their twisted essence into our existence.

I am passing on just a few of them for your examination and enlightenment:

Woman to sit in my bath tub full of noodles, wearing a bathing suit (Pittsburgh, PA)

"I will pay you $1 to sit in my bathtub full of noodles while you wear a one piece bathing suit. I will not be home, nor will anyone else while you do this. I will leave the key for you, and you will sit at your leisure. DO NOT bring any sauce. I will season the pasta after I return home prior to dinner.

Sorta reminds me of the famous Botticelli painting of "Venus Rising From the Lasagna." And I do not want to know how he seasons his pasta or with what.

No issues here folks, let's keep moving - there's more.

Wanted: Pony (Anchorge, Alaska)

"My kid is having a birthday coming up soon, and there'll be a lot of children around, so I figured I'd better get a pony. If you do have a pony you could sell, please contact me, and then immediately start putting barbecue sauce in it's bedding or add some Lawry's to it's salt lick - I like to marinade it early and long, so that the flavor is at it's peak by the time I take possession." If things work out well, I may contact you for other parties I'll be involved in; they kids can't tell the difference between ponies and burger, and usually they're a lot cheaper.

And you can ride these burgers.

The next one is my personal favorite. I think the missing items have been kept as a trophy.

My teeth (Los Angeles, CA)

"I left my Dentures in your Silverado last night. I gave you my number but did not get yours. Please call me asap. I need my teeth. We met in the parking lot of Margarita Jones. Get back to me asap please. Thank you."

Now THAT was a magical evening 'cause the stars came out when the sun went down.

Craigslist has there own Strangelist (Best of Craigslist) that you can sample.

This gal is more pathetic than strange.

To the Hot Guy at Priest Lake on the 4th of July (Nashville, TN)

I have some interesting news. You are going to be a father, twice. I don't remember your name but I do remember your license plate number. I really hope you see this. You promised me that you would pull out, and clearly you didn't. You had brown hair and brown eyes, and had a very specific tattoo. My parents have kicked me out of the house, and I'm not making enough working at Waffle House. I was hoping that you could help me out. My car's not big enough for the three of us. If you are enough of a man to be responsible for your actions, contact me.

This next guy is just an immature asshole.

I Puked in Your Purse (Lansing, MI)

You were sitting a couple tables across from me. I was checking you out. You noticed. I winked. You rolled your eyes and left your table to talk to some guys at the bar. You left your purse hanging unattended on the back of your chair. I felt rejected, and a little pissed. You looked hungry. On my way out, I filled your purse with a vomit cocktail consisting of 1 part hamburger, 3 parts Miller Lites and 6 parts hot yellow foamy puke. If you had second thoughts after blowing me off, hit me back. I can't wait to hear from you!!!

There is something wrong with this city. Seriously.

Paddle (Pittsburgh, PA - AGAIN!!)

That's right, a paddle. Lightly used. OK, not that lightly used. Not used on that many people, OK? Mostly just my ex's bottom. And a bit on mine. I tried using it on a really freaky girl a few weeks ago, and that was it - the magic was gone. There was nothing there. I thought paddles were exempt from the typical breakup sex toy uselessness, but I was terribly mistaken. This thing is dead to me. However, you can make my loss your gain! Seriously, despite my crippling emotional detachment from this paddle and my tendency to replace intimacy with alcohol, I can tell you this is one heck of a paddle.

I cut this last one off short. This freak even included photos. Quite frankly there are places where I do not need to go.

Dang! People are so messed up! Just the addy for this one - it is just sooo wrong on sooo many levels.


SoCalOilMan said...

Gee, Thanks for the post Sig.

I wasn't a cop, so I never got to "enjoy" those sides of peoples lives that are better left for you guys to deal with.

I've never been to Craigslist, and I guess there are good aspects to it, but why is it every time I delve a little deeper into the internet, I recoil?

P.S. You didn't say whether the poster from L.A. with the lost dentures was male of female...Oh G-d, I really don't want to knwo.

Cookie..... said...

LOL...and I'll bet everyone of them voted fer Obo!!

We did see and hear some weird shit didn't we "Sig"? I remember the husband who was upset and devastated after coming home early and finding his wife and HER MOTHER in bed doin the nasty. :-)

Cookie..... said...

P.S. Gave a WHOLE new meanin t'the words Mother F*#ker!