No Truer Words...

This was not written by Don Rickles. It was created by Doug Ross last year and it is right on the money!

Hello, dummies! Oh my God, look at you. Anyone else hurt in the accident?

Seriously, Senator Reid has a face of a Saint - A Saint Bernard. Now I know why they call you the arithmetic man. You add partisanship, subtract pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance. Reid is so physically unimposing, he makes Pee Wee Herman look like Mr. T.

And Reid's so dumb, he makes Speaker Pelosi look like an intellectual. Nevada is soooo screwed! If I were less polite, I'd say Reid makes Kevin Federline look successful.

Speaking of the Speaker .... Nancy Pelosi, hubba, hubba! Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity. Seriously, the Speaker may look like an idiot and talks like an idiot but don't let that fool you. She really is an idiot.

Charlie Rangel ... still alive and still robbing the taxpayers blind. What does that make, six decades of theft? Rangel's the only man with a rent-controlled mansion.

He's the guy who writes our tax laws but forgot to pay taxes on $75 grand in rental income! So why isn't he the Treasury Secretary? Rangel runs more scams than a Nigerian Banker.

Barney Frank ... he's a better actor than Fred Flintstone. Consider that he and Dodd caused the whole financial meltdown, and they're not only not serving time with Bubba and Rodney, they're still heading up the financial system!

Let's all admit it ... Barney Frank slobbers more than a sheepdog on Novocain.. How did this guy get elected? Oh, that's right .... he's from Massachusetts . That's the state that elects Mr. Charisma, John Kerry -- man of the people!

You know, if Senator Dodd were any more crooked, you could open wine bottles with him. Here's a news flash, Dodd: when your local newspaper calls you a "lying weasel," it may be time to retire.

Dodd's involved in more shady deals than the Clintons (Read "Hell To Pay" by Barbra Olsen) . Even Rangel looks up to him!

Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, I really respect you ... especially given your upbringing ~ All you've overcome. I heard your birth certificate is an apology from the condom factory.

I don't know what makes you so dumb, but it really works for you. Personally, I don't think you're a fool, but what's my opinion compared to that of thousands of others?

As for President Obama, what can I say? They say President Obama's arrogant and aloof, but I don't agree. Now it's true when you enter the room, you have to kiss his ring. I don't mind, but he has it in his back pocket.

His mind is open to new ideas -- so open that ideas simply pass through it. Obama lies so much, I was actually surprised to find out his first name really was Barack. Just don't ask about his middle name!

But Obama was able to set a record ... he actually lied more in 60 days than Bill Clinton. As far as his administration -- what with the tax cheat and lobbyists -- well, in the words of Patches O'Houlihan, "It's like watching a bunch of retards trying to hump a doorknob out there."

Waste Not, Want Not

Leave it to Ramirez. Perfect.

H/T to Cap'n Bob & Damsel.

Nancy Bird

SHARRUP YOU MOUF!

H/T to Charlie the ChiTown Cop.

Thanks for giving me the bird Charlie!

Obama Bow!

All you Obama boy and girl
Look like a fool before the world
Gonna do the Obama Bow
Stay with me I show you how

Obama nimble! Obama quick!
Obama do his bowing schtick!
Obama think he cat’s meow!
Goin’ down! Obama Bow!

Ignore international protocol!
Make all Americans appalled!
How low can he go?

First he fly to Saudi Land!
Smells like shit and blowing sand!
Then he find a Saudi prince!
He not invited back ever since!

Obama nimble! Obama quick!
Obama do his bowing schtick!
Obama think he cat’s meow!
Goin’ down! Obama Bow!

Then he fly to Japanese!
Almost ends up on his knees !
Emperor warned he must be wary!
Protocol may just get hairy!

Obama nimble! Obama quick!
Obama do his bowing schtick!
Obama think he cat’s meow!
Goin’ down! Obama Bow!

Obama in the China Land!
How they cheer! They think he grand!
Obama same rank, it look so lame!
Obama he bows low just the same!

Obama nimble! Obama quick!
Obama do his bowing schtick!
He thinks he is the cat’s meow!
Goin’ down! Obama Bow!

Ignore international protocol!
Make all Americans appalled!
How low can he go?

Obama now in Tampa Land!
We hope bowing now be banned!
Military aide is thunderstruck!
He think “Huh? Now what the f**k?”

Obama nimble! Obama quick!
Obama do his bowing schtick!
Obama think he cat’s meow!
Goin’ down! Obama Bow!

Anticipation vs Constipation

A big H/T to Charlies the ChiTown Cop.

Future Democratic Senator From Massachusetts

In the wee hours of the morning, a four year old Tennessee boy runs away from home, steals beer from a neighbor's cooler, breaks into another neighbor's house and steals five Christmas presents, one of which is a little girl's dress.

When the police are called, the kid is drinking the beer and wearing the dress.

Ted Kennedy's replacement is in training.
He'll fit right in at Harvard.

Caption Contest

Go, ahead, provide your own caption for this photo.

With a resounding "POP " Michelle proves once and for all that she can uncork a bottle of 1987 Chateau Briand using nothing but the cheeks of her ass.

OK, your turn.

Make It A '67 GTO

At Townhall, Doug Giles has put together a hilarious, and true, take on the recent email revelations trashing the AGW movement. He put together a list of what he intends to do in celebration of the death of global warming:

1. I am going to go outside by my pool and spray two full 32oz cans of Aqua Net right at the ozone.
2. I am going to use a gas powered scooter to go from room to room in my house, which will have all the outside doors open wide while the A/C is blowing full blast.
3. I am going to buy a ‘69 GTO with no exhaust system and let it idle for 4 hours a day in my driveway every day until Jesus returns.
4. I am going to fart as much as possible.
5. Speaking of farting, I am going to feed my cows bean dip and only bean dip.
6. I am going to set my thermostat on 85 in the winter and 55 in the summer.
7. I am going to use all my curly cue fluorescent light bulbs for clay pigeons—and not clean up the mess.
8. I am going to air up my tires on my ‘69 Goat so much that it looks like a frickin’ Macy’s Parade float.
9. When I go grizzly bear hunting in Alaska this spring I am going to add a polar bear to my license and take one of those as well.
10. While in Alaska I will take a blowtorch to a glacier to get my drinking water.
11. In addition, I am going to throw snowballs at seals. It won’t hurt them, but they will understand that the game is back on.
12. And finally, I am going to make certain my girls have Horner’s book Red Hot Lies and Milloy’s book Green Hell so that when their profs and goofy friends open their mouths on behalf global warming they can go Stone Cold Steve Austin on them with the cold, hard facts.

I would make a single change. Make that a 1967 GTO as the '68 models had the new federally mandated PCV (Positive Crankcase Ventilation) valves installed on the valve covers. Prior to that, crankcases ventilated directly into the engine compartment.

NEW KFC DINNER

We all remember the "Hillary Meal" ---
Small breasts and big thighs.

Now, KFC has announced an addition to their chicken dinners.

It's called the Obama Cabinet Bucket ---
It consists of nothing but left wings and assholes.


H/T to Charlies the ChiTown Cop

SNL Gets It

Obongo doesn't get it.
The Democrats in Congress don't get it.
The liberal media reporters and commentators don't get it.

But the folks at SNL get it.

Oh, and so do the Chinese.

Ghost Districts In The Sky

Cap'n Bob & the Damsel are one of the sites I regularly peruse and I delight in sparring with the Cap'n on various subjects. The following is our repartee on the Stimulus Package and non-existent Congressional Districts reporting jobs created, saved, resuscitated, resurrected and jobs that followed us home can we keep them oh please please please?

Cap'n Bob just cracked me up with his response.

sig94 said,
November 18, 2009 @ 17:52:01 PST
Hey, us phantom districts need money too! The costs of pretending to exist are going up just like everything else!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cap'n Bob said,
November 18, 2009 @ 18:19:46 PST
The PHANTOM, SHADOW and GHOST Workers International Union at work . . .

“These are NOT the Congressional Districts you are looking for.”

LOL!

Cat Fight

Doggone this is preciousssssssss.
I stole it from cmblake6 and he stole it from C&S and ... oh, just watch it.
Do it now!

US Navy Honors Our Presidents

The newest addition to our nations fleet of nuclear powered aircraft carriers is also a tribute to one of our nation's great Presidents, the USS Ronald Reagan. In the background in the USS Arizona Memorial. See how she dwarfs the Memorial.

The USS Reagan is a beautiful, purposeful and powerful expression of American military might.

Her top speed exceeds 30 knots, powered by two nuclear reactors that can operate for more than 20 years without refueling. Her capabilities are as awesome as her appearance:

1. Expected to operate in the fleet for about 50 years

2. Carries over 80 combat aircraft

3. Three arresting cables can stop a 28-ton aircraft going 150 miles per hour in less than 400 feet

Specifications:

1. Towers 20 stories above the waterline

2. 1,092 feet long; nearly as long as the Empire State Building is tall

3. Flight deck covers 4.5 acres

4. Driven by 4 bronze propellers, each 21 feet across, each weighing 66,200 pounds

5. Steered by 2 rudders, each 29 by 22 feet and weighing 50 tons apiece

6. Has 4 high speed aircraft elevators, each over 4,000 square feet in area

7. Home to about 6,000 Navy personnel

8. Carries enough food and supplies to operate for 90 days

9. For her crew - 18,150 meals served daily

10. Salt water distillation plants provide 400,000 gallons of fresh water daily, enough fresh water to serve 2,000 homes

11. Nearly 30,000 light fixtures and 1,325 miles of cable and wiring as well as 1,400 telephones

Next is the USS William Jefferson Clinton.

The USS Clinton is the first of its kind in the Navy and is a standing legacy to President Bill Clinton for his foresight in military budget cuts and his conduct while holding the (formerly dignified) Office of President.

The ship is constructed nearly entirely from recycled aluminum beer cans and is completely solar powered with a top speed of 5 knots. It boasts an arsenal comprised of one (unarmed) F14 Tomcat or one (unarmed) F18 Hornet aircraft which, although they cannot be launched on the 100 foot flight deck, form a very menacing presence.

As a standing order there are no firearms or any type of weapon allowed on board. This crew, like the crew aboard the USS Jimmy Carter, is specially trained to avoid conflicts and appease any and all enemies of the United States at all costs. An onboard Type One DNC Universal Translator can send out messages of apology in any language to anyone who may find America offensive. The number of apologies are limitless and though some may seem hollow and disingenuous, the Navy advises all apologies will sound very sincere.

In times of conflict or whenever threatened, the USS William Jefferson Clinton has orders to seek refuge in Canada.

And last but not least....

The USS Barack Hussein Obama

The specifications for this craft are as vague as the President's past and the performance of this craft is as unstable as his economic policies.

Like the President it represents, this craft
1. Cannot not pass inspection
2. Is crewed by incompetents and communists
3. Cannot operate in European waters
4. Defends itself by "area denying" defecation and denial
5. When defeated in the simplest of exercises, the USS Obama blames other US Navy vessels for its failures and hightails it back to base.

H/T to my cop buddy Al.

Best. Cartoon. Ever.

H/T to Charlie the cop who sent me this.

The Constitution already has something just for the f*ing moron occasion -it's called the 2nd Amendment.

Sorta like a fire axe you see every now and then stuck in a wall cabinet near a stairway exit.

Break glass and swing away.

Finally! Obama's Birth Certificate!

I can't believe it! After months and months of denials and spending nearly a million dollars in legal fees, Barack Obama has finally released his birth certificate!


This document finally puts to rest all the stories and rumors about his birth place and allows us all to move forward.


There are other important issues that concern us about the 44th President and we can concentrate on these now that this distraction is finally settled once and for all.


In order to promulgate healthy public discourse and unite us in political comity, I have attached a digital copy of Obama's official birth certificate as provided by the State of Hawai Bureau of Vital Statistics.

H/T to my sister, Caren.

Senator Butterworth

It's scary....

Now This Here's Funny!

This is a scream!

JibJab

Hilary's Last Stand: In Za Bunker

NSFW due to profane text. But it is a scream!

My Mom Is Running For President

My Mom is running for President and all I got was this lousy T-shirt!

Thanks and a big H/T to Charlie the ChiTown Cop

A New *gasp* Fragrance

I nearly fell out of my chair when I watched this one.




A big H/T to Charlie the Cop.